The Most Bitter Sting
by Youshi Semenjyu
Summary: The most bitter sting comes in the darkness of despair...and even the years cannot rid Remus Lupin and Sirius Black of their past demons... (Remus/Sirius, **Completed!**) R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Untitled  
  
By DuoLordOfDeath  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. J.K. Rowling does, so there. And I do use quotes from the Bible in here a few times, I think. ^^;  
  
~*Prologue - Death*~  
  
November 4, 1980  
  
8:24 AM  
  
A silencing charm...that was why it was so quiet. The screams of the damned couldn't escape those hellish walls. But the cold...the bitter cold...it was unearthly, ethereal...not at all a normal chill. The gloom grew as the small craft neared the isolated island, and those aboard it felt the iciness of lament and grief, as though all cheer was being taken from their minds. Beneath the craft, the icy water sloshed heartlessly, promising a painful, wicked, and slow death to any who fell into those cruel depths. The morning was cloudy; and the fog was so thick that it seemed to permeate everything. No smiles graced the few that were aboard...for they were nearing fear and hatred incarnate.  
  
Azkaban.  
  
The word was enough to send shivers up and witch or wizard's spine...for fear itself resided there. The stench of death and hatred were its marks, and terror guarded those black gates. Anyone sent to this place would die a terrible, ghastly death...for they would never die. Only their souls would perish, leaving them a shell of a person...the death of their souls, taken by the ever-hungry guards of Azkaban. The dementors.  
  
Silver-blue eyes looked up from the grey water as the looming prison came into view through the soupy fog, and his strong, able hands pulled thick, patched robes closer about his thin form. The icy wind brushed harshly against his face, blowing silver-flecked hair from his face, revealing his stern, emotionless expression. Fists clenched around the folds of his robes, and anger once again filled his mind. The dementors would have little effect on him. He had little to be cheerful for now...  
  
"'And the devil, who decieved them, was thrown into the lake of fire...he will be tormented day and night for eternity...'" he said softly, quoting the book of Revelations. "I never thought to see the gates of hell...but here I stand..." he added in his silent, angry reverie. Traitor...deciever...murderer...lover. Sirius Black had been many things...but now, he was nothing to Remus Lupin. Nothing but a betrayer. He had believed the false trust he had found in Sirius' arms...and found nothing now, but emptiness and hatred for him. "And now, you bring me to the gates of Perdition...how swiftly you went from being my heaven to my hell..."  
  
He looked up at the huge, black prison with quiet contempt as the small boat docked; the slight jolt moved him slightly but he did not flinch. After a long moment of staring into the fog, he slowly stepped from the craft and onto unholy ground. Icy water leapt at his ankles as he stepped to the land, and he looked up as the Minister of Magic stepped up to him. There was a silent acknowledgment between the two, and Remus could sense that this man did not trust him at all. But how could he...the signs of lycanthropy were obvious upon his young face. Nevertheless, Remus extended his hand grimly, but his greeting went unheeded.; his hand looked down upon as if it were diseased. The Minister looked at him with suspiscious disdain, then turned, his footfalls faint upon the dirt path. The air hung heavily with eerie silence; the slight sounds of the small party's footsteps sounding obscenely loud to Remus' enhanced lycanthrope hearing. He held his head high as a line of dementors, tall and ominous, met them at the door. A slender, rotting hand slid out from under the ebony robes and looked at the group silently for a moment before pushing the great doors open.  
  
Loud, terrible shrieks fell upon the still wind as the door creaked open, causing Remus to look up with a pained expression. The Minister looked unmoved, though his face was creased slightly with the strain of the dementor's influence. He looked over at Lupin with a strange look; finding it odd that the lycanthrope was seemingly untouched by the dementors. He stopped for a moment, and finally stepped in. Remus followed, but instead of the warmth that comes from a building, a chilling sensation met him, creeping to the very marrow in his bones. Gently, he reached a hand into a pocket in his robe, and took himself a piece of chocolate, which he ate grimly as the Minister led him into a quiet, confined room. Remus looked about; he could not see any of the inmates...but their screams...he heard them despite the silencing charm that was upon the room.  
  
"So, I understand that you are here to speak with Sirius Black, is that correct?" the Minister asked Remus, venom clear in his tone. Remus swallowed the warming chocolate and nodded firmly, slight tones of fury and hatred gleaming in his eyes.  
  
"Yes, that's correct," he replied, standing near the door. He could see the dementors wafting across the floor outside, feasting on the terrified emotions of the inmates...he could feel the despair and terror in this place...  
  
The Minister chuckled slightly. "I have a feeling you will be his only visitor," he replied, and stepped up beside Lupin, reaching for the door. He noted Remus' expressionless face, and stopped. "Mr. Lupin..if I may..." he paused, and Remus nodded firmly. "Well...Black is silent when he is awake...I've never seen anything like it. He dosn't scream; nor speak...he just sits there. But...in his sleep...for the past two nights since he was brought here after the death of Pettigrew, he mutters a name in his sleep..."  
  
Remus felt his blood run slightly cold. "Really?" he asked softly, his voice cracking slightly with a burst of anxiety. The Minister nodded.  
  
"Yes, he keeps whispering the name, "Moony". Do you have any idea what this might mean?"  
  
Remus fixed the Minister with a firm, haunted look. He swallowed hard.  
  
"Moony...yes...he was once a dear friend of Black's...but Moony's dead now..."  
  
A strange, almost wounded expression floated upon Remus' countenance for a split second as he spoke this, and then it was gone, replaced by the same firm visage. The Minister looked at him oddly, and nodded.  
  
"I see...well, then I will let the dementors lead you to him. I will await your return on the boat outside."  
  
Remus nodded, and stepped out of the silence and into the horrid screams. The dementors glided beside him; nearly blending in with the inky black walls. At the end of the small corridor there was a great pair of double doors, and with a mere glance at the door, the dementor opened it, and the screams were amplified tenfold.  
  
The stench of blood and death was nearly as pronounced as the screaming. Sweat and fear came from each cell, and more than a little blood crossed his path as he walked. Wild-eyed witches and wizards hung on the bars as he passed, screaming horridly. Others babbled indecipherably, reaching their dirty hands out to Remus. He pulled away instinctivly as they passed through the first wing, his eyes trying to block out the horrors of this place. What the rumors had said of this place hardly did it justice. In some cells, bodies lay, covered in blood and other bodily fluids, awaiting their last resting place at the bottom of the icy North Sea. Vomit stained several of the live inmates' ragged attire, and some...some said nothing. Some were deadly silent, but eerily staring ahead at nothing with wide, unclosing eyes. Looking away, Remus closed his eyes for a moment...these terrible images...  
  
It seemed like an eternity before the dementors stopped him. Remus looked ahead for a moment, then slowly turned to his left, looking into the shadows of a dark cell. His eyes narrowed slightly at the figure who sat complacently before him, surrounded by darkness and magically reinforced bars. Messy black hair hung damply to his handsome yet haunted face, and ragged black robes hung upon his slowly thinning frame. His face was hidden by darkness, all but one haunted grey eye, that peered down at something invisible upon the damp granite floor. His knees were drawn up to his chest, and his strong arms were wrapped about his knees. But he said nothing, nor did he look up Remus.  
  
Remus lowered his arms, his fists slowly clenching as the dementors floated away to the head of the wing. Silvery eyes gleamed with betrayal in the dim light, and his face was stern with hatred.  
  
"Sirius..." he began, his voice quavering slightly with unbridled anger. "I have to wonder...was I next? I suppose it was the only respectable thing to do; kill all your friends for your dark master, and then come after your...your lover." He spat out the last word as if it held a terrible taste upon his tounge. "Did you keep a gun with silver bullets in the chamber under your pillow at night; awaiting the proper time to put the barrell to my head and finish your holocaust? I only suppose it would be right, now wouldn't it?"As he spoke, his voice rose to a slow shout, rage dripping in his words.  
  
But Sirius spoke not a word. Silent, he sat there, not even acknowledging that Remus was standing there.  
  
"Too ashamed to even look at me; I might have known" Remus spat, stepping up to the bars. He gripped the bars, tuning out the terrible shrieks behind him. "You sit here in this hell, thinking about your glorious deception...you bastard; I feel no pity for you." His voice again grew deadly soft, and his eyes narrowed. "That night you left to hunt down Peter, you left me alone under that moon...you left me alone in my own personal hell...so why should I pity you, traitorous bastard?" He paused, gripping the magical enhanced bars so tightly that his knuckles started to turn white. "Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"  
  
Finally, slowly, Sirius raised his head heavily, and looked Remus in the eye. "There won't be a next time...will there...?" he asked, his charming voice no longer smooth and warm...but cold and harsh...  
  
Remus gave him a cold look. "I thank God for that..." he spat. "But now...now you'll know my pain...we are alike...you and I, though I hate to compare myself to a backstabbing murderer...you will live jut like me...with no friends...no family...and no one who loves you..." The silver- blue eyes had gone emotionless and hard. "Good bye, Sirius..."  
  
Sirius watched his lover's hands fall icily from the bars, and lowered his head again. If only he knew...he closed his eyes as he heard Remus' footsteps echo down the hall, and for the first time in the past three days, a few tears fell down his sweat-streaked face.  
  
"Moony...you've died...and with you...so have I..." 


	2. Death

~*Chapter One*~  
  
July 17, 1995  
  
2:34 AM  
  
"Remus...there's something I have to tell you..."  
  
Remus looked up from his Charms homework and regarded Sirius curiously. The ebon haired boy was strangely silent and looking rather nervous as he sat down across from him. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw James sitting in a thick chair, positioned so he could watch Sirius' every move. Trying to break the tension, Remus smiled tiredly and put his quill down, regarding Sirius with fond, curious silvery eyes.  
  
"What is it, then?" he inquired, his voice holding a slight tone of hope. He watched as Sirius wrung his hands for a moment, then ran his fingers through his dark hair. Remus knew these signs all very well. Sirius was about to say something that was very hard for him to say or admit, and didn't know how to tell Remus without sounding silly. "Sirius...go on, tell me," he urged.  
  
"Yes, Sirius," came the stern, knowing voice of James, "Why don't you tell Remus all about it..." Remus looked over at James curiously, and saw that no smile played upon his face. Behind those glasses, his bright blue eyes were grim and slightly angered. Peter was silent as well as he sat a few feet behind Sirius; the usually trembling boy was looking at Sirius with an odd, slightly severe expression. Slowly, Remus brought wary, confused eyes back to Sirius, who looked away. Remus narrowed his eyes carefully.  
  
"Why can't you look at me, Sirius...what happened?" he asked, sounding very much like a professor addressing his ill-mannered students.  
  
Sirius mumbled something under his breath,and looked down at his hands. James and Peter looked at him irritably, and were about to tell him to speak up..but then they noticed the pallid tone that Remus' face had taken on. He had heard it...clearly. His eyes, warm and curious before, had gone strangely cold,and held a terrible note of betrayal. The quill fell from his trembling hand just before he clenched it into a fist, and he sat there, regarding Sirius with a terrible icy gaze. Sirius was silent, and failed to meet his eye again. The room had gone uncomfortably quiet.  
  
"I only knew it was a matter of time before this happened...I never thought it would be you though, that told Severus Snape-"  
  
"Remus; I'm sorry!" Sirius suddenly cried from his seat. Remus stood quickly and looked down at him, his silvery eyes smoldering with anger. He looked down at Sirius sharply, his hands clenched at his sides. His eyes were narrowed coldly.  
  
"Don't tell me you're sorry...what makes you think that I can trust you after this? How can I trust that you won't try the same thing again?" he asked bitterly. His voice was harsh and low; then he leaned forward, gripping the edge of the table as he looked at Sirius angrily. "You betrayed not just me, Sirius...but James, and Peter too..."  
  
Sirius looked at him with pained eyes, but was silent again. It was as though James and Peter had vanished, and the surroundings seemed to have changed from the comfortable Gryffndor Common into...hell, it seemed. Sirius was bathed in black; barely visible...but his eyes..pained and empty...they had not changed. Nor had Remus' icy, hardened expression or his grip on the bars as he looked down at him.  
  
"Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"  
  
Finally, slowly, Sirius raised his head heavily, and looked Remus in the eye. "There won't be a next time...will there...?" he asked, his charming voice no longer smooth and warm...but cold and harsh...  
  
Cold and harsh...as Remus stepped away from the bars and turned, he found himself step into an old, derelict building. The screams of the damned had fallen away to an eerie, familiar silence, and he turned back around to see Sirius crumpled on the floor, gaunt and pale. Long, unkempt hair fell about him, nearing his elbows, and Crookshanks was perched upon his worn black robes over his chest away from Harry's wand.  
  
"Expelliarmus!" Remus cried, and snatched up the three wands in the room. Confusion swept over the room, and Remus stepped over to Sirius, looking down at him with a strange calmness. No bitterness was in his eyes; no harsh tones..."Where is he, Sirius?" he asked breathlessly. Sirius merely looked up at Remus; his eyes pained and empty, and slowly pointed over to the bed, where Ron laid with his broken leg. He looked at the pair of wizards in bewilderment. A slow dawning came over Remus, and he still looked towards Ron, though his gaze seemed to fall past Ron, as though he was looking past him. "But then...why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless- unless *he* was the one...unless you switched without telling me?"  
  
Sirius merely nodded, and the effect of that one simple gesture rocked Remus' mind. Innocent...Sirius Black; reknowned as a traitor and murderer, was innocent. Guilt ravaged Remus' mind as he grasped Sirius' hand and pulled him up to his feet. As he wrapped his arms around him, all of hatred he had felt for Sirius; hatred for his betrayal, his murder...it all fell away...but he couldn't find the voice to say any apology...He regarded Sirius with pained eyes, but Sirius only looked back with haunted grey eyes...he remembered the bitter sting Remus' icy words had left-  
  
Remus' eyes flashed open, and a strange, cold sweat pressed against his fevered skin. He sat up in his bed, tossing the threadbare bedding aside. He breathed deeply and leaned forward, putting his face into his hand. He sat there for a moment, his eyes closed. But though it was dark, he could still see Sirius' haunted eyes staring back at him. Even twelve years in Azkaban hadn't erased those cruel memories from Sirius' mind...but of course, he had been innocent...to hear such words from the one he loved...  
  
Remus bit back tears and sat there, silhouetted against the moonlit window. How those words had rebounded onto him...and what was worse, he had meant them with every fiber of his being...for 12 long years he had held true to those cold words, only to have them come down upon him like shattered glass. And oh how those words bit and stung at him...He had never forgiven himself, so why would Sirius do so? It was too much to hope for. To think that they had been so close...  
  
He cursed at himself as he laid back in his bed, eyes wide open. It was as thought Fate had it out for them regardless...only a few more steps before they would reach Dumbledore and Sirius would have been exonerated...and it had to be the night of the full moon...  
  
Rolling over onto his side, he felt overwhelming guilt play with his thoughts. He saw Sirius, alone, and on the run...what a sorrowful existance, to know that you are hunted for something that you cannot help...  
  
Remus laughed mirthlessly. How much he and Sirius were alike...the way they lived...in isolation for fear of being trapped by others...the obvious giult on both their parts...Sirius was his match...and Remus had foolishly spat words at him and shoved him away...Before that night two years ago, Remus would have been wonderfully pleased to hand Sirius over to the dementors himself...but no more.  
  
As he laid there alone in his worn bed, he felt an old, familiar chill fall upon him...but this time...more than the chill of solitude...it was a chill of longing. An oppressed desire to feel those warm arms around him once more like in days long past. A yearning for Sirius that Remus had long thought shattered and forgotten was slowly reminding him of all the warmth...and the passionate emotions that had once evolved between them. And the love...Yes, Remus remembered the love. He could never forget the love...even if it was never to be felt again...  
  
"Why was I so blind..." 


	3. Chapter 2

~*Chapter Two*~  
  
July 19, 1995  
  
9:37 PM  
  
"Another storm..."  
  
Remus sat down in an old, wellworn chair, looking out through the dim light at the cascades of rain that was beating against the roof and sheeting off of it in torrents. He wiped his hand across his forehead, brushing some of his silver-flecked hair from his face, and sighed. Ever since that night...that dream...he hadn't slept well, and the displacency that tortured his mind was unforgiving and unrelenting. In that one night, millions of memories long oppressed had broken a dam and flooded his mind. Everything about he and Sirius that he had tried to block out came back to him in one painful rush in that night. Thoughts of days long past and actions long gone...all the alluring, love filled whispers; every sensuous touch of heated skin...the gentle brush of devoted lips...  
  
Remus closed his eyes; trying to block out these emotions and remembrances was too taxing on his weary mind. He put a hand over his silvery eyes and sighed meagerly. If only he could have viewed these memories happily...without the ravaging guilt...perhaps then he might have been able to sleep in peace. Even these wonderful, passionate memories brought a stabbing pain...because his cold words were never far from his conscience.  
  
Suddenly, he looked up and glanced quickly towards the window, whose thin draperies were drawn. Through the vociforous wind and rain he heard...thrashing...the crashng of swift footsteps. They were faint but swift, and coming nearer. Thanking his enhanced lycanthrope hearing, he stood, pulling his wand from the folds of his robes. He dimmed the lights carefully, and slowly stepped to the window. He peered through the curtains and into the stormy night, and saw what he was looking for. Stepping in a brisk, unrelenting walk through the rain-battered trees was a tall person cloaked in full black. His face was hidden by an ebon hood, and there was a strong, purposeful stride in his step that Remus didn't like. Quietly and quickly stepping from the window, he stood to the side of the door. If it were a Death Eater, then he had no escape...but he refused to give up to the Dark Lord without a fight. They had taken from him the one thing he had adored more than life itself...his dear friends and his beloved...he would fall like them. He awaited the door to come crashing in, propelled by some terrible curse. He raised his wand to bear, and awaited with a firm eye.  
  
But no crashing came.  
  
There was a swift knock at the door, urgent as though someone merely wished to come in from the rain. Remus stepped back, looking slightly confused. Thunder cracked outside, and again came the knocking. Still holding his wand steady, Remus thought for a moment.  
  
"Who's there?" he called warily.  
  
There was a pause, and then a voice came, muffled by the raging storm and the door.  
  
"Remus...can you let me in? Please? It's raining, and I've been walking for days just to get here..." The voice was almost as weary as his own,and strangely familiar. "Dumbledore sent me here; he told me that I should stay here for a while; hide out..."  
  
Remus stepped back a bit, bewildered. He said nothing, his mind thinking quickly. If Dumbledore had sent someone, he would have sent word notifying him that he was going to have company. This must be some sort of a trick, he figured. He would take no chances.  
  
"I don't believe you," he called. "Dumbledore would have sent me word. What proof can I have that you're-"  
  
"Moony..." said the voice, softer this time, "Moony...Dumbledore has sent me to retrieve members of the old crowd...we need the Order of the Phoenix again...it's me..." the voice paused, as though the next words pained him. "Padfoot," he finally said. "You were the first on my list..."  
  
Silence reigned as these words registered in his mind. Surely this was some sort of a cruel dream...and yet, Remus beleived him. The way he had spoken...so unlike the last time they had spoken...it was almost like the Sirius in his memories. No one could have imitated that; never. Gathering his bearings, he numbly reached out and grasped the doorknob, turning it slowly. Once it clicked, Remus opened the door quickly, and peered out into the pouring rain at the cloaked man on his dootstep. Dim light revealed some of the pale but slightly filled out features under the hood, and short, clean black hair clung to his forehead, damp and tangled slightly from days of travel.  
  
An uncomfortable silence fell upon the two former lovers as they stood face to face, reagrding each other with unspoken questions. So many years had changed them so much...so many terrible events that had sapped away the romance that had once been, and most likely would never be again. Azkaban had taken away that wonderful, beautiful vibrance and love of life that had personified Sirius...his gaze was no longer bright and carefree...  
  
Remus was the first to speak after the long silence, and stepped aside quickly as he became painfully aware of the rain soaked floor and his despair soaked soul. He watched as Sirius strode quickly in, and closed the door behind him. Waving his wand, he brought the lights up from the dimness that had shrouded the room, and stepped up behind Sirius.  
  
"Wonderful way to meet old friends," Sirius replied as he pulled the cowl of his cloak away from his face. "Pointing dangerous wands at them when they were unarmed." He turned to Remus and smiled slightly as he took the sopping cloak from around his shoulders. Remus looked surprised, to say the least. The last time they had met, Sirius had been pale and gaunt, appearing more like a vampire than a human. His hair had been long and matted, dirty from the years of darkness in that infernal prison...a shadow of his former self. But this Sirius...he was still slightly pale and thin, yes, but his face had filled out slightly and his hair had been cleaned and cut, though it was still tangled a bit and still hung a bit past his shoulders. The small smile that played on his lips did wonders for a face that seemed to have forgotten how to grin...it was as though Remus was looking into the handsome face of the Sirius from the years long past. Except for the eyes...those grey eyes were hollow and haunted, empty even though he smiled.  
  
Remus recovered his composure, hoping that he hadn't been staring, and hung the wet cloak on a rack as he dried it with a wave of his wand.  
  
"Oh...yes, you'll have to forgive me for that," he said, his voice regaining some of its strength. "I heard footsteps through the rain, and when I looked out I only saw a cloaked figure. I thought it might have been one of Volde-"  
  
He stopped; no doubt Sirius was touchy on the subject of him being thought a Death Eater. He looked at his old friend for a moment, and apologized again. Offering him a chair, he stepped into the tiny kitchenette. "Would you like some tea?" he asked apprehensively. From his seat nearby, Sirius turned and looked at him and chuckled, though it wasn't a completely amused laugh.  
  
"Some things never change, do they?" he replied rhetorically, and stood, stepping into the tiny room. He looked around at the sparse yet strangely comfortable surroundings. He recognized so many of the things in this place...so many things that seemed to hold such wonderful memories...but try as he might, he couldn't remember them. All that he could recall about Remus...was that terrible look of despair and betrayal...and...  
  
"You sit here in this hell, thinking about your glorious deception...you bastard; I feel no pity for you...That night you left to hunt down Peter, you left me alone under that moon...you left me alone in my own personal hell...so why should I pity you, traitorous bastard?...Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"  
  
He regarded the standing form of Remus as he stood making tea with his wand, and looked quickly away. It was all of Remus that he could recall, though he knew that there was more...there had to have been so much more...  
  
After the tea had been properly steeped, Remus put the steaming cups upon two well-used but durable saucers. For a moment, he stared down into the dark amber liquid, his reflection rippling lightly back at him. What could he hope to accomplish? So much had happened in these trying 15 years...so much strife, pain, and anguish had pulled them apart...only to have them crash unexpectedly back together in a jumble of confusion and discomfort.  
  
"Remus?" came Sirius' voice, "Are you going to stand there all night staring at it? I had no idea that tea could be so...thought-grasping."  
  
The words of slight humor brought Remus out of his reverie, and he quckly turned to face Sirius sheepishly. "Well, forgive me; I happened to find the ripples in freshly made tea quite enrapturing," he stated easily, as if he'd done it a million times before. He smiled at Sirius as he sat down, but in that instant of warm companionship, as Remus regarded the worn, meager attire that clung to his love's painfully thin shoulders, it was over, and the uncomfortable silence fell about them again. Taking his seat, he uneasily handed Sirius one of the cups with a few small clinks of china.  
  
"So..." Sirius began, taking the cup into his hand. He held it carefully as he attempted to make conversaion.  
  
"So..." Remus repeated,and took a small drink, looking away. "Ah...I suppose that...Dumbledore needs us now that Voldemort has returned," he said, his tone still uneasy. Sirius nodded a bit.  
  
"Yep...he wants all of the old Order of the Phoenix revived...and sent me to do it. And..I don't know why...but I came here first...something made me come here first...as if..." he smiled wryly. "This will sound so cheesy...but as though my heart knew something my mind can't remember..."  
  
Remus felt something stir within, and he chuckled, covering his anxiety. "You're right; very cheesy," he agreed, and took a long, thoughtful draught of his tea.  
  
Sirius chuckled lowly, but no other words passed between the two as the teacups were drained. Once Sirius set his cup onto the saucer, Remus stood immediatly and retrieved it, setting it in the sink with a creful levitation spell. He nodded his head towards the small living area, and stepped inside. Sirius followed behind him, and watched as Remus waved his wand expertly, conjuring several blankets and a soft pillow from seemingly nowhere. He set them on the small, threadbare but comfortable couch, and smiled as he lit a candle.  
  
"You can sleep here tonight," he said, though it felt strange...strange to be asking Sirius to sleep in a seperate room and bed other than his own...but he quickly pushed that thought aside. He couldn't risk it...So with that in mind, he put up a warm front and stepped aside. "I'll be in my room, on the-"  
  
"I remember where your room is," Sirius said suddenly, but he sounded quite calm about it as he stepped around and sat upon the couch. He moved about for a moment, as though trying to find a comfortable position, and finally stopped, looking up at Remus softly. "Thank you," he said softly with a smile, and stretched out upon the couch. He looked up and regarded Remus for a moment as he stepped about the room, closing curtains and things. As he paused by the window, thunder cracked, highlighting the silver in his hair...When Remus had turned to him, those intense bluish orbs seemed to penetrate into his soul, as though he could see just what was on his mind at any given second...but that intensity had been taken away, replaced with a strnger, bitter hardness that did not suit his handsome face. The lycanthropy had clearly taken a toll on his thin body; all those years alone with himself on those hellish nights was painfully obvious in the strained expressions and the lean frame that held him up under those worn, patched robes. Why had Fate been so cruel to him? Why couldn't he remember those happy moments that were always just beyond his reach? It seemed that somewhere in his mind, the darkness of Azkaban had not yet relenquished its terrible grip on his mind and soul...  
  
Remus looked at him in surprise. "You remember?" he asked, voicing the question that had immediatly came to mind. So many thngs he wanted to say...so many words at the tip of his tounge...that were silenced. Sirius nodded vaguely, and Remus smiled lightly, but nothing more was said. "Good night, Sirius," he replied as he passed. He took up a small candle and lit it, holding its tiny flame close, and started to step from the room, letting the magical lights darken as he left.  
  
"Remus?" came the voice; it was strange...like a small child, cold and frightened. It trembled audibly from the darkness...from the couch. Remus turned quickly and looked into the dimness at the figure that was sitting up rigidly, shivering.  
  
"Sirius?" Remus asked, stepping closer. The figure trembled even more, pulling the bedding about him as though the surroudnings were being torn from reality, back to the hell that was...Azkaban...  
  
"Remus...please don't leave me alone in the dark...I can't bear it...they'll take me back...they'll kill me in the dark...please, stay with me...don't go; don't die agian, Remus! Please! I'll die if you die again!" The voice was growing more urgent and fearful...and some of it didn't make sense...  
  
Remus hurried to his side, the lights coming on dimly. He sat beside Sirius and put his hands upon Sirius' slender, quaking shoulders. "Sirius! Sirius, calm down; i'm not dead...I never died...shhh..." It was as though, for a moment, all the painful barriers were pushed aside as Remus wrapped his arms reassuringly around him, cradling him warmly. "I've never died...I'm-"  
  
Remus paused for a moment...and those words of guilt came back..."Moony...yes...he was once a dear friend of Black's...but Moony's dead now..."  
  
Remus bit his lip and closed his eyes, holding him tighter. "What have I done..." he said softly, and shook his head, buring it into the tattered robes that hung on those trembling shoulders.  
  
"Moony...you died a long time ago...just like me..." came the voice softly; it was so unlike Sirius that it hadn't struck Remus until then that it had been Sirius pleading in the darkness. "Just don't leave me again...whatever you do...don't leave me alone again...not in the darkness..."  
  
Remus took a shuddered breath...he had left him alone...alone to rot with those bitter, stinging words emblazoned in his mind for 12 years...twelve years of listening to those biting phrases ring over and over in his mind while he knew he was innocent..knowing that he had lost the great love he had once treasured and would've given anything for...what a wretched existance...  
  
"I'm sorry..." Remus whispered. "I'm sorry...for everything..."  
  
Finally, after 15 long years of silence, he uttered the words that he had once vowed he would never speak to Sirius again...  
  
After another long pause, Remus puled back and looked Sirius in the eye. "Come along...I promise I won't leave you alone..."  
  
Instinctively, he brushed a few strands of ebony hair from his pallid, drawn face, and smiled, thoughthe guilt was obvious in his eyes. Sirius' grey eyes were filled with an unbidden terror, and he almost seemed to be staring out past Remus and into space. Gently, Remus stood and pulled Sirius to his feet. Helping him stand, he waved his wand and slowly started to quiet trek into the nearby bedroom. Though reluctant to let him sleep in there, he would not refuse him in his deepest hours of need. As they entered the darkened room, Sirius gripped onto Remus' arm, then recoiled in fear.  
  
"No!" he shrieked suddenly, and pulled away. "No! You'll not take me back!" His voice was maddeningly insane, and he lunged for Remus' wand. In his surprise, Remus failed to pull his hand away, and Sirius yanked the wand frim his grasp. pulling away from him, Sirius raised the wand in his tremlbing hand. "You'll never take me back! You'll have to kill me first!"  
  
"Sirius, stop it now-"  
  
"Expecto Patronum!" Sirius yelled, and a great stream of silver shot from the tip of the wand, though weaker than it might've been had he had his own wand. Remus stepped back, looking shocked. Sirius thought he was a dementor...of course!  
  
"Sirius, calm down!" Remus said, stepping towards him. Sirius stepped back, wand raised.  
  
"Don't come near me! I refuse to go back! STAY AWAY!"  
  
"Sirius!" Remus yelled, and waved a hand quickly. Suddenly, the room was flooded with light, and Sirius started back, dropping the wand to the floor. The insane look in his haunted eyes fell away, and he slumped against the wall, shaking terribly.  
  
"Remus...Remus, I'm sorry...It always happens this way...I can't get those terrible thoughts out of my mind...I know that if they catch me...those dementors have been ordered to administer the Kiss as soon as they find me..."  
  
"Well, they'll not find you," Remus said blantantly, and knelt, picking his wand up. "Not so long as I have something to say about it. Now lay down; you've not gotten sleep in God knows how-"  
  
"Two weeks," Sirius said shakily as he spread out his blankets on the floor below. He still shook as he laid himself out upon the bedding, and stared up at the light. "I can't sleep...they still haunt me...I can't forget it...I don't think I'll ever forget it..."  
  
Remus, who had been lighting a small set of candles and setting them on the floor beside the pallet, looked down at Sirius curiously as he sat upon his bed and laid down, turnong down the lights.  
  
"Forget what?"  
  
Sirius was quiet for a long moment, his thin features outlined sharply by the flickering candlelight.  
  
"I will never forget...that terrible, icy look on your eyes as you turned away from me, impervious to the screams around you...impervious to everything but your terrible hatred of me...as you turned and walked away from me..."  
  
Remus felt an icy stab at his heart,and rolled onto his back, looking into the dark recesses of his room that the candlelight had missed. He closed his eyes, but no sleep came...he would not sleep that night...he couldn't.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Ever so sorry..." 


	4. Chapter 3

~*Chapter Three*~  
  
'Why does my presense ail you so? I know that you aren't sleeping...just as I am not...I can see the strained anguish in your face as you lay there, pretending to slumber...the candles' flickering lights serve more purpose than to keep my own demons at bay...so many things that I should say...but no, that was long ago...we're all alone now...was it all just a dream? Remus...we had believed that it would all never end...never dreaming that it would all come crashing down on us in the blink of an eye...and I..I blame myself...if I hadn't been such a fool! If I hadn't urged James and Lily to change their Secret Keeper to Peter...none of this would have been...knowing that I inadvertantly sold out my best friend and his family...I, too, have known the guilt that keeps you awake...why do you pretend? Why do you hide the pain and torment behind that handsome, reassuring mask? I can see it all in your eyes...hidden in those beautiful silvery depths, I can see the pain...I'm not so thick to miss that...I know you too well...are your nights always this sleepless? Are they always like mine?'  
  
Through the flashes of lightening, Sirius lay there, grey eyes ever attentive to the one upon the bed. Why..why had he done it? Why had he been so insistant upon Peter being Secret Keeper? So much pain and agony would have been prevented! But no...while their personal strife may have been prevented...the havoc that Voldemort was wreaking would've continued...and led to their deaths...perhaps it had been better this way...but Sirius couldn't see how. So many years had been lost to them...so many people had been taken...and now, though he was free from Azkaban, he still wandered, lost and alone in the darkness. After Remus' departure from Azkaban those 12 years ago, he had been nothing but lost...lost and alone in the night, for Remus had recoiled his gentle, leading hand in disgust...  
  
"What have the years done to us?" he whispered, and closed his eyes sadly, gripping the bedding in his hands.  
  
"They've hardened her hearts and broken our souls," came the soft reply. Sirius looked up in slight surprise; he hadn't expected a reply. He watched as the silhouetted figure sat up in bed, his features flickered gently in the dim candlelight. Through the darkness, past the faint dancing lights, Sirius could see a faint line of tears tracing down Remus' gently refined cheekbone. Instinctivly, Sirius reached his hand out to brush away those tears, but Remus waved his hand away gently, shaking his head.  
  
"Remus...I-"  
  
"Sirius," he interrupted softly, "Come sit up here with me for a moment..." he said gently, and put his hand on the bedding beside him. Hesitating, Sirius sat back a moment. "Please..."  
  
The silent movements were almost inperceptible as Sirius took one of the candles in his hands, stood, and stepped quietly to the bedside. He could see the full of Remus' face now...such an expression of misery and defeat he had never seen upon that beautiful face...He sat down gently, his eyes fixed on Remus' expression with slight compassion and confusion.  
  
"What is it, Remus?"  
  
Remus remained silent for a moment, his gaze staring at the dark floor below him, and then, he took a breath, and looked up slowly, regarding Sirius with the gentlest of looks. He smiled a sad, longing smile, and sighed. "Sirius...do you remember how we used to be?" he paused for a moment, and laughed softly. "We believed everything we said to each other...everything about the future...only to see it collapse before our very eyes...we knew then that we would never be beyond each others' sights...that we'd always stand together, side by side...even when Voldemort made his rise to power, our firmness about it all never faltered...until..."  
  
"Remus," Sirius said quickly, and put a hand on his shoulder, "I remember well...what happened after this..." His voice was strained and weary. "Tell me about...before that...please; give me something to smile about..."  
  
Remus looked at him with mild surprise for a moment, then smiled, though it was pained and reluctant. He did not wish to relive his past...but, for a moment, as he looked into the eyes of his former lover, he saw a grave desire in those haunted grey eyes...a grave, insaitable yearning that pleaded for clarification...  
  
"Don't let me drown in your memory, Remus...who am I? All I've known is Sirius Black, convicted murderer and traitor...but that's not who I am..." he paused, and looked deeply into Remus' eyes. "I am Sirius Black...wasn't I once a part of Remus Lupin too?"  
  
His voice had gone soft and gentle, and slowly, he started to lean forward, lips parted slightly. This was all he wanted...a moment to relive the past and forget his 12 years of hell...just one moment...  
  
Remus looked at him for moment, his face void of any expression. He took a shuddered breath and held it for a moment, and looked away. "You were...once...but no, don't..." he said, and realized as soon as the words had parted his lips that he hadn't said the proper thing.  
  
Sirius' soft expression fell in that instant to one cold and icy as he regarded Remus' figure, bathed in blackness. Slowly, he sat back, nodding slowly...this scene was all too familiar for him...  
  
"Too ashamed to even look at me; I might have known..." He said softly, his voice raising with quiet venom. The words that had plagued him so..."You sit here in this hell, thinking about your past and future and what might have been...you bastard; I feel no pity for you..."  
  
Remus looked up sharply as he fell his defenses fall away. Those words...how cruel of him to use those words! Even crueler to know that he had remembered them to the very word all those years...  
  
"Sirius-"  
  
"What?" he demanded, grey eyes gleaming with anger. "Do you think I came all this way just to see you?" He laughed mirthlessly, then went silent, leaving the room in quiet tension. "Remus...after all these years of hearing those words ring in my head, I've learned that I really don't give a damn about what you think...I tried to fool myself all those years...and yes, I've wondered too...Why you let pathetic sentementality sway your judgement after my first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves...I had hoped there might've been a next time; but I never dreamed that you'd actually be dead..." With that, he stood and started to walk away, his footfalls ringing cold on the wooden floors. "Good-bye, Remus..."  
  
Remus watched him, and in an instant, he saw the memory reply through his mind...he saw it all from Sirius' point of view then...and he saw just what he might've done had he not already fallen into the depths of despair. Eyes narrowed, he stood, stepped forward, and grabbed Sirius' hand firmly. Without pretense, he pulled him back, gripped his arms, and pressed his lips firmly to his', not giving a damn about any protest he might give. He had waited for 14 years for reconiliation; it wasn't going to escape his grasp this time.  
  
"What are you-" Sirius started to protest, but his angry words were smothered under the enrapturing caress that he was suddenly under the spell of. The firm, breathless waltz of two mouths was almost clumsy; a strange dance that he had once known but had forgotten long ago. In the split second of surprise he felt at the gripping kiss, Remus had pulled away and fixed him with an ardent, firm expression.  
  
"I'm not dead yet," he said lowly, and swallowed as a single tear fell down the refined curve of his cheek. Sirius's eyes went a little wider at this, and, his hand trembling, he reached forward and wiped it away, his fingertips gracing the smoothness of that skin, the familiar curve of his beloved's face...had it really been so long? No...it didn't seem so now...  
  
"Good...I didn't want to have to attend your funeral...I've been too close to both of our deathbeds..." Sirius said softly. There was another pause, and Remus then looked ashamed.  
  
"Sirius...about what I said all those years ago..."  
  
Sirius shook his head and pressed a finger to his lips. "It's okay...I forgave you a long time ago for that...I didn't misplace misjudgement for hatred as you did...but now you know...it's about time you forgave yourself..."  
  
Gazing up into those compassionate eyes, Remus wondered for a moment why he had ever thought that this man could've betrayed them. He thought he had known him; thought he had memorized every personality quirk, every expression...and yet, he had been so wrong...  
  
He shook his head and looked down from his face. "It's sad...that you should bind yourself to me..." Remus said guiltily. He couldn't face him, even after the tender judgement that Sirius had laid upon him. "I should've known you better than that...I should've known by the expression on your face when I spoke to you that you had been innocent...all those years we spent alone...all those months under the bane of the moon's light without you...all my fault..."  
  
Suddenly, he a felt the strong grasp of Sirius' hand upon his chin as his eyes were brought up to meet those tempting grey orbs. They were set firm and yet comforting.  
  
"Moony, don't you even think about blaming yourself for these trying years...even I find that, though it was I who convinced James to switch Secret Keepers...the only one to blame is Peter...for all his cowardice and infidelity..." he said, a few tones of spite creeping into his smooth voice.  
  
Remus swallowed, and lowered his eyes. That old, worn nickname...the long symbol of their loyalty to one another; The Marauders...though beaten and tossed asunder through the years, when it fell from Sirius' lips, it seemed to sparkle anew, brightly against the parchment of Time.  
  
"Moony..." Remus repeated, softly and slowly as though learning it anew. He looked up at Sirius, and bit his lip. "He was...an aquaintance of yours?" he asked, smiling slightly. He glanced out at the window, where the first rays of dawn were starting to touch the ground. "I haven't seen him in a long time...he's been running alone for many years, afraid to reconcile with his guilt..." Remus paused, and closed his eyes. "How could you have found forgivness for me...when I left you alone like that? You never left me...and that-that was how I repaid you?" he asked bitterly.  
  
Sirius held him close. "Because, Remus..." he paused,and took a breath. The scent...traced with tea leaves and a slight hint of chocolate...in all these years, it hadn't changed...so muchhe remembered..so much he loved about Remus..."Because I love you..." he whispered, and closed his eyes. The words seemed so foreign on his lips..."I forgave you a long time ago..."  
  
The words floated across Remus' conscience like leaves upon a gentle summer breeze. A ray of light had cast through the darkness...how long had it been since those vainly sought after words had wafted upon tender, hushed breath into Remus' ears?  
  
"It's been far...far too long..." Remus whispered, and held Sirius close. He could feel trembling arms around him and the gentle fall of tears as he ran a tender hand over the pale, rugged curve of Sirius' face. He didn't deserve such grace...and yet, it stood before him willingly, eagerly...  
  
"I tried to fool myself once...but to no avail. I was so ashamed; so angry that I loved you in those years...Sirius," he said, and brought his gaze up to those liquid grey eyes...but he said nothing more. What he wished to say was more than spoken for in his intense gaze. He would no longer be tormented by that ravaging guilt...it had been washed clean.  
  
"I love you too..." 


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
July 26, 1995  
  
6:30 AM  
  
"So you're leaving now? To meet Arabella, Arthur, and Molly?" Remus asked quietly, stepping out into the small living room. There, near the door, stood Sirius, clean and shaven, with his dark robes wrapped close about him. He saw the deep sadness and regret in those grey eyes...Sirius wanted to leave as little as Remus wished him to go. Nevertheless, he gave Remus a firm nod.  
  
"Yeah...the letter from Dumbledore told me to act now..." he paused, and started to reach for the door knob when he turned on his heel and strode over to Remus. Silence reigned, and in one swift motion, he pulled Remus into a smothering embrace and pressed his lips feverently against his lover's, running gentle fingers through that soft silver brown hair. There was nothing more he wanted than to stay here; laying in the tender, heated embrace that he had woken to that morning...nothing more than to hold him longer; make love to him one more time...or even sit down to a last cup of warm tea and a conversation...but no; Fate had seen it fit to send him on his way...  
  
"There will be another time...another place..." he heard Remus whisper. "Wherever and whenever that might be...I'lbe there, awaiting your arrival..."  
  
Sirius pulled back and smiled; such loyalty...he then knew what love truely was, and it gleamed there in those saddened silver eyes.  
  
"I know..." he whispered. "No tears, Moony...no tears..."  
  
With that, he turned quickly and strode to the door, opening it. Pulling the cowl of his cloak over his head, he stepped out into the cool July morning; he would become Padfoot when he neared Surrey...With one last, longing glance behind him, he turned and closed the door, stepping out into the fog.  
  
Remus watched numbly as he heard the creaking footsteps across the frail woodwork of the porch outside, and then they too, were gone. Again, Sirius was alone, having to flee from something unjust; alone, with his dearest friend behind him...But why...why did he have to go alone?  
  
The twigs cracked underneath his feet as he neared the edge of the clearing, and he looked up into the cloudy morning sky. Sirius sighed a lonesome sigh...another time...another place...  
  
"Sirius!" came the call, and he whirled around, surprised at the outburst. He looked at Remus in confusion as he sprinted towards him, travelling cloak about his shoulder.  
  
"Remus...?" he asked as the werewolf came to a stop a few feet before him. "What are you doing?" he asked, swallowing a bit.  
  
Remus merely smiled that well-known smile and shook his head. "Padfoot...according to the word of the Marauders...we vowed never to leave one of our own in his darkness alone...the very words were spoken in reference to me...and I've broken that word; that loyal trust once...and it was too many times..." He paused, and stepped towards Sirius slowly, the gentle morning wind brushing strands of hair across his forehead.  
  
"...You...you're going to come with me?" Sirius asked haltingly; this couldn't be true...had to be a cruel trick..  
  
Remus simply smiled.  
  
"Of course...who am I...to break tradition?"  
  
~*Owari*~ 


End file.
